


Is This The End I Fear?

by RevisionaryHistory



Series: The Care and Feeding of Nathan [10]
Category: Nathan Sykes (Musician), Nathan Sykes - Fandom, The Wanted - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 03:41:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6140422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevisionaryHistory/pseuds/RevisionaryHistory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The trip home has repercussions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is This The End I Fear?

~*~Nathan~*~

I couldn’t say I didn’t expect it. The nightmare at mom’s and the vulnerability of her disclosure. The rest of the trip had been good, but I figured once alone with her thoughts there would be a reaction. Her text was short and simple.

From Kristin: I can’t do this anymore. You’re a great guy. You’ll see me in the audience when you’re in town. The best ever . . . everything.

Even though I expected it, it still hit hard. I sent back, “I understand. I’m still here.” I put my phone in my pocket and headed to catering. Had a gig and needed to fuel up.

I came off stage to a flurry of tweets saying something was wrong with me. I laughed to myself. I knew that. 

@NathanTheWanted: Sorry, off night. I’m fine.

I just lied.

I shoved everything in my bag, made my way to the van, threw in my bag, and climbed in the back. The lads were in normal form, but I zoned out despite their efforts to wind me up. I strode down the hall to my room and threw my bag on the bed before yelling “fuck” at the top of my lungs and kicking the bin across the room. I leaned against the wall, and slid down to sit on the floor. I was angry, but as my previous psychology teacher/ lover told me anger is a secondary emotion. There’s always something under it. Therefore, I was hurt, sad, and disappointed. I didn’t get past that when my phone rang. Mum. Nope, that’s not happening. I’m angry with her. Screw what’s underneath. Her rudeness started it. Led to the vulnerability, which scared her. That’s what this was about. She let me inside the protective coating, got scared, and shoved me out. And while I realize if it wasn’t mom it would have been something, but mom’s an easy target for something too new.

I’m not one to fight for a relationship. If a girl ends it I say okay and go on. Something is making me want to fight for Kristin. Weird because this is the most non-relationship relationship ever. Bizarre. I wanted to call. But the same thing that made me want to fight is telling me not to call. My Cadbury egg metaphor came back and I saw a perfect egg with a cracked shell. She needs to fix the crack. She needs to smooth over the protective coating. And what I need to do is let her. If I go off texting and calling I’m picking at the crack, trying to force my way in. That will never work. I suddenly realized that all along I’ve let things happen and that caused the crack. I didn’t push, I didn’t ask for anything from the girl who wants nothing. That’s why she let me in a little. I need to keep doing that. Don’t push, don’t ask. Let her heal for a bit. I’ll know what to do and when. 

For the first time in my life my propensity for doing “nothing” is exactly what I need to do to fight for what I want. 

Funny how when something is taken away you realize how much you want it.

I texted to find out where the lads were and headed over to the pub. I grabbed a pint before heading to the table. I was welcomed with hugs and joined in on the good time. Several beers later Max flipped my ear, “What caused the tantrum, Nath?”

Tom, Kelsey, and Jay all looked over. I pulled up the text on my phone and handed it over, “She ended it.”

Kelsey ran around the table and hugged me, “Aw, I’m sorry, Nathan.”

I hugged her back, “I wasn’t really anything, but thanks.” Left off the bit about thinking I wanted it to be.

Tom winked, “Her loss.”

“Mine as well. Whatever it was, I liked it.”

Jay handed my phone back, “Have you called?”

I shook my head, “Would make it worse, really.”

“You a’right?” Max hooked my neck and kissed my temple.

“Not really.” I’m not sure if they were more surprised by answer or I was. The solution was to pour beer in me. A lot of beer. Can’t say that made me feel better, but it made me not care.

 

~*~Kristin~*~*

“Want to tell me what happened?” Lindsey already knew. I suspected Jay told her. 

“Nothing. Everything.” I sighed, “I don’t want to hear how he is. This was nothing. He knew that going in.” She knew me well and was quiet, letting me get there. I didn’t respond well to being pushed. “It started to feel like something.”

“Do you know why?”

“His mom was rude to me and he stood up for me. Then I told him about Jason.” I shrugged, “Most of it anyway.”

I could hear her hiss in a breath. “I can see where that would feel like something. That doesn’t work since you want nothing.”

I knew she was baiting me, leading me to the truth I already knew, “I’m afraid of something. Nothing is safe. Something scares me. I’m not ready for something, but I wish I was. I really really wish I was.”

“Ya know, Kristin, it’s okay to not be ready or not want anything. I don’t think Nathan was what you expected”

I interrupted, “He’s a good guy. A good man.”

“You’ve met good men before, but it didn’t matter and you didn’t see it. For whatever reason you see Nathan. I would hate for you to throw away something with a good man because you’re scared. Just make sure it’s that you’re not ready or you don’t want it. Don’t let scared stop you.”

“How do I know, Lynz?” I knew she was right. I didn’t know which I was. “I just don’t know.”

“I don’t know, sweetie. Some time. Give yourself some time.”

“What if it’s too late?” 

“Then it really wasn’t anything.”

We moved on to different topics, talking for a long time before we hung up. I went to bed, knowing I needed to sleep on it to let my emotions settle. If I could relax and let my brain work it out, everything would be fine. 

Three weeks later and I felt no closer to an answer. I had made lists and meditated and slept on it for more nights than years Nathan was old. I couldn’t find clarity. Until I got a text message.

From Nathan: Gig in LA this weekend. Come see me?

My heart skipped a beat then raced. I was scared, but not of what I expected. 

From Kristin: Yes

 

~*~Nathan~*~

I didn’t tell the other lads that Kristin was coming. It was entirely possible that she’d back out. I was hoping she was ready. Ready for what? Just to see me. The rest was up for grabs. She texted when her flight landed and I directed her to the venue. Now I was excited. She was here. Shit, it could be to tell me in person that she can’t do this. Surely she wouldn’t fly across the country for that. She could have just not replied to my text. I told Kevin so he could go get her.

Our dressing room was very busy. Max, Tom, and Jay were engaged in a food fight that was taking up most of the space. I was changing shoes when there was a knock at the door. Not the first, but I felt like I should pay attention. I heard Jay say, “Does he know you’re coming?”

Then a beautiful voice said, “He invited me.”

I waited until Jay yelled, “Nath, it’s for you” before I turned around. I was still a little bit apprehensive that she really wasn’t here and the “he” who invited a girl backstage was Max. It wasn’t. 

I stood up to see her walking slowly toward me. Her head was down. Very unlike her. She was uncertain. I was not. I opened my arms, motioning with my hands as I spoke, “Come here.” I kept it quiet and as much just between us as I could. She didn’t look up, but she walked a little faster and straight into my arms. Her hands started on my waist and moved over my back until she was holding me. Tight. Clinging to me. I closed my arms around her and breathed in her smell. I’d decided that if she did show up I’d wait for her to speak.

I didn’t have to wait too long. Her face was buried against my chest where I barely heard her, “I’m sorry, Nathan.”

I kissed her forehead through my smile, “You got scared.” I felt her skin break out in goose pimples and held her closer, “I understood.”

She leaned her head back and looked at me for the first time. There were times over the last three weeks I’d feared I’d never seen those bright blue eyes again. She smiled slightly, “Now I’m really sorry.”

“Because I’m so adorable?” I put my hands on her face, ready to kiss her. Beyond ready.

She shook her head, “No, because you understood.”

Don’t know why, but her words had me suck in a breath, “I need to kiss you. Now.” I think she nodded her approval. Hard to tell as I was already moving in. The simple touch of her lips against mine felt amazing. Lightning. We both made a quiet noise before we parted only to move back together again. This time lips opened and we slowly sunk into each other. Oh god, she tasted like strawberry bubble gum. As if I needed to crave her more. 

Somewhere in the room I heard the word “attached”. I lifted my hand from her back, flipping them off on the way to lace my fingers in her hair and make sure she didn’t leave the kiss. Not that either of us was giving any sign of that. I stopped thinking and just enjoyed the feel of her body against mine, my arms around her, the softness of her hair, and the kiss. I kissed her like I meant it. Because I did. Every second. 

Many minutes later we ended in a hug again. I opened my eyes, “Um, there’s no one else here. Wonder when they left?” I shrugged, “Oh well.” I took her hand and led her to the couch. She sat impossibly close to me. “Tell me how you are.”

She laughed, “That’s it? Tell me how you are. You have every right to be mad at me.”

I frowned and shook my head, “Not mad. Maybe at first, but not long. Then I understood.”

“It wasn’t . . .”

I cut her off with a kiss, “You don’t have to explain, Kris.”

“I owe you an explanation.”

“No, you don’t. If you want to give me one, that’s fine. Not now. Now, tell me how you are.” I picked up her hand and kissed it before laying it on my thigh. I didn’t want to talk about what happened. I was worried that she’d get scared again. I thought it was best to remind her of the fun. Plenty of time for the other. Fun first, talk later. If at all. I don’t need it. 

We were laughing when the lads came back. Kevin led the way, “Ten minutes, Nath.”

I nodded and looked at Kristin, “Go with Kev and find where you want to be?” She nodded and kissed me before heading out the door. The other four dropped in around me, “Ten minutes, eh?”

When I started to get up Max pushed me back down, “Sweet little reunion there, Nath.”

“I thought so.”

“Last we heard she’d text dumped you. You’ve been talking?”

“No, this is the first we’ve talked since then. Stop giving me that look. She got frightened and needed some time. I gave her that. Please, don’t be dicks to her.”

Tom cackled, “First time you doing absolutely nothing was the right thing to do.”

This time when we came off stage instead of tweets saying something was wrong with me they were saying how on fire I was and speculated that I must have gotten laid. Not hardly. I didn’t even get felt up a little. Yet. Very important little word. I had not gotten laid yet. Might not. I didn’t know where we were. Didn’t really believe that based on that kiss, but you never know. 

We did a meet and greet after the show then headed back to the hotel. As usual there were fans. The quantity new. There were fans in England when we were out, but not like this. This was a group swarming around the hotel entrance instead of the small group we usually had. Therefore, we drove around back and cut through the kitchen. The others were heading out to a bar and could visit for awhile. That wasn’t how I wanted to spend my time. Inside my room I fell on the bed. I was exhausted. The combination of show, meet and greet, and the anxiety surrounding Kristin had drained me. I smiled when I felt her pull off my shoes then the dip of the bed as she climbed in. I waited for her settle. She sat with her back against the headboard. I rolled to my side, putting my arm over her legs, and laying my head in her lap. She played in my hair. Our universal flirt.

Her fingers had me almost asleep before she started talking, “You did everything right. Standing up to your mom meant a lot to me. I wanted to tell you about Jason because you deserved to know why I wanted nothing. Then it didn’t feel like nothing anymore.”

I gave her the distance of not making eye contact, keeping my head on her leg, “I figured that you got scared. You let down your guard. I needed to let you regroup, close up the crack you opened in that protective shell. Not like we talk all the time anyway.” She yanked my hair at that, “What? We don’t. When I texted I really didn’t expect you to say yes. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe nothing.”

“No expectations.”

“It’s worked so far. We have fun, Kris. Not just sex. Back home we spent more than a weekend together and we really talked. It’s not something, but it’s not nothing either.” I lifted my head from her lap and pushed up where I was even with her eyes, “You needed time and I gave it to you. I’m glad you’re here. I missed the thought of you.” I kissed her to help her understand.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” I put my arm around her shoulder, silently inviting her to curl into me. She accepted that offer too. My turn to play in her hair. “I am curious as to why you came back.”

“When I got your text I was more afraid of not being with you than being with you.”

“That’s something.” I was aware of the double meaning and I hoped it was hidden enough to be not scare her again.

Unexpectedly she snuggled in closer, “Yeah, Nath, it is.”

Everyone calls me Nath, but it feels very different when she does. Her fingers and nails moved over my stomach. I twirled a long section of her hair around my finger before letting it drop and finding another section to play with. It was a strange quiet. It was almost like we were soaking in the making up after a fight, but it really wasn’t a fight and we weren’t really anything to be making up. Maybe we are, or are becoming something. 

“Nath?” 

“Yeah, babe?”

“Do you still want me?”

My laughter shook us both, “Not a doubt about that.” 

I turned her face up to mine. Once the kissing began it took a long time to get naked. The kiss would end to take off a piece of clothing then we’d get lost in the kissing again. I wasn’t in a rush and it appeared that I was in charge tonight. Sometimes it’s just too good to rush. Tonight was one of those nights. 

Tonight . . . the sex . . . it was something too.


End file.
